Oremus
Stand Clear of Closing Doors
From: JacktheRepper@ TinseltownTalentAgency.com
To: TrainGirl04@playright.com
Subject: Subway TV Series
Dear Train Girl--
As you’ve probably read in Variety by now, my client, JJ Scribbler, has been hired to adapt your play, Subway Lives, into the three-part mini-series, tentatively titled, Stand Clear of the Closing Doors. I’ve been repping JJ for a couple years, and let me tell you, if your play isn’t in the best hands this side of the Santa Monica freeway, I don’t know who’s is!
After seeing it on Broadway a few times, and giving your script the o.o., JJ feels he can have this baby cranked out by tomorrow ayem. Good thing too, because shooting starts next weekend. Rumor has it, the net is considering this for the fall sked—to coincide with the subway’s hundred-year anniversary. (A hundred years! Hard to believe. The only thing that could possibly last a hundred years in LA is Seinfeld in syndication.)
Before JJ gets to work, he’d like to clarify a few things he didn’t quite understand, and run some bump-ups your way. As you know, H’w’d does things a tad bit diff than Gotham—so don’t take any of this pers.
First things first: What’s a subway?
Joking!
Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha!
Just a little humor to start things off. (In showbiz speak, we call that an “icebreaker.”)
Now, in Act I, Scene 3, after the ordeal with the one-dollar battery salesman on the 4 Train at Union Square, Ralph continues on up to 86th street where he then makes his way to the Met.
You write:
Int. – Metropolitan Museum of Art – Day
Ralph spots a lost soul, a woman who’s maybe wandered into the Met with the great hope of escaping her tattered life, of discovering her raison d'être, of maybe finding herself, or at least a good wall calendar.
Hello???? Raison wha?
We're not getting the reference. Is this a new breakfast cereal? Please explain.
Also: In the dialogue below, where you have the two straphangers on their way to work, don’t you think we need to indicate which war and which president they’re talking about? Or will most people just know?
Straphanger #1
My point exactly. Because
our so-called “president”
is about as swift as the
Lexington Avenue local train.
Straphanger #2
(laughing)
I heard somewhere that he
created his war strategy
by copying the instructions
from the back of a WetNap:
1. Tear open. 2. Use 3. Discard
Next: The homeless guy who appears in Act II on the L Train. JJ feels it won’t be clear to those who haven’t experienced the subway firsthand why the other passengers are switching to a different car. Remember: Our target aud includes lots of zitcom viewers. He suggests adding some background dialogue along these lines:
Passenger #1
(holding nose)
Peee-uuu
Your thoughts?
Then in Act I, Scene 13, where you have the Arab dude giving up his seat for the elderly Hasidic woman (my personal fave, btw), would you mind if JJ had the Hasid refer to her higher power as Ha-shem ? The term “God” is just so passé since the whole Madonna/Esther thing launched.
Regarding the role of the conductor: I had this brilliant idea that we get an actual conductor to play the part. I’m talking like an orchestra conductor. If we could get a household name—you know, someone like Leonard Bernstein (only not dead), the buzz would be fabulous! Alright if we mention to the exex?
And p.s., while we're on the subject of casting, I overheard this through the door of last week's development meeting:
Producer A: “Hey, maybe we can work J-Lo into the show during sweeps week?"
Prodcuer B: “Right on A. Maybe have her make a big caboose joke or something.”
I know, pretty lame—especially because there’s no caboose on a subway train, right? But sometimes writers have to cowtown to the top tier. Believe me, you get used to it out here.
Okay, a few more things:
JJ wonders what you think of giving the motorman character superhero powers? You know, in the way that Aquaman can breathe underwater and Superman has X-Ray vision, maybe Motorman can put out track fires by blowing liquid nitrogen on them. Or perhaps he can drive the subway in reverse?
Think about it and try to get back to us before the end of the day. With the current trend of comic book heroes as movie stars, it might boost our Nielsen ratings a ton.
Last: In Act III, just before the token clerk, Marquissa, throws herself in front of the C Train (btw: not sure if you saw the Bernard Rose movie that came out in ‘97 called Anna Karenina, but he does something similar there) you have that angry rant where she goes on and on about her sonuvabitch-cheating husband, her skirt-chasing boss, the male token clerk who got a larger Christmas bonus than she did, and the Hispanic thug who’s always spraying obscene graffiti in her station.
JJ’s feeling—and the director agrees—is that the scene would be a lot stronger if we cut the monologue completely. Just have her wear her “MEN SUCK” T-shirt here instead of in Act II, Scene 16 when she attends the Transit Workers Union meeting. This way she comes onto the platform wearing the T-shirt and whamo! Lights out.
Much stronger that way, don’t you agree? As they used to say in that Kodak commercial: "A picture is worth a thousand words."
Awaiting your reply,
Jack (the repper)
David Israel
David Israel's first novel, Behind Everyman was published by Random House in January 2005.
It has also been bought by Rizzoli for Italian publication. In addition to novels, essays,
and short stories, Israel has written many original TV pilots. As a composer, he's had
numerous commissions from groups as far ranging as Twyla Tharp Dance and the American
Symphony Orchestra. His music has been performed extensively throughout the U.S and in a
dozen countries worldwide. He is currently at work on his second novel.
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